In other words, we do them over and over, we all know what to expect when we do them, and they have meaning for us as a family.  Family meals, especially evening meals, are the most loved family ritual—when we manage to pull them off well.  They give us an opportunity to nourish our bodies and fill our hearts.  They are the one time in a day when everyone in the family is in the same place at once enjoying the same things and talking together.  But like all good things, creating a family dinnertime ritual takes thought and planning.  Here are some questions that can serve as starting points for you as you think about your family meals.

Planning Meals

• How are decisions made about which foods to purchase? Ideally, it’s best to get input from everyone in the family.

• Do you combine foods that everyone likes with occasional ones that test growing taste buds? Kids like predictability in their food, but it’s good to introduce novelty as well.

• Are meals planned in advance? It’s harder to ritualize meals when no one has planned for what will be served.

Getting Ready and Getting Seated

• Who prepares the meal, sets the table?
  The more participation, the more enjoyment and the less burden on any one family member.

• Is the environment prepared for family time--TV off, newspapers removed, chairs arranged?
  Enhancements such as candles can help create a special atmosphere. In general, the fewer distractions, the better the conversation and the better the meal ritual.

• When is the meal served?
  Predictability helps, but flexibility is necessary.

• Who is present? Do some come late, absent themselves?
  Try to minimize lateness and unnecessary absences, but have a family meal even if not everyone can be there.

The Meal Itself

• Is the environment conducive to connection and conversation?
  Turn off cell phones, televisions, MP3 players, computers and PDAs during dinner to avoid interruptions.

• What kinds of food are served? How are family members’ preferences balanced?

• Are interruptions such as the telephone permitted?
  Try to avoid them.

• What topics of conversation are encouraged?
  It’s best to keep everyone involved, or at least not disengaged from the conversation for long periods.

• What kinds of conversations are discouraged?
  Conflicting topics such as disciplinary comments should be avoided because they undermine the ritual (unless kids are acting up at the table). Don’t grill children about their school day if they don’t feel like talking about it.

• How are table manners and food preferences handled?
  Basic order is necessary, but minimize struggles over chewing and cleaning plates. Nutritionists at the Mayo Clinic say that power struggles over what kids eat do not contribute to better health . It’s okay to have rules about trying new foods, but avoid nagging and bargaining (such as holding dessert hostage to cleaning the plate or eating the peas).

Leaving the Table and Cleaning Up

• Is the end of the meal ritual clearly defined, everyone leaving together? If people leave when they are individually finished, it diminishes the ritual aspects of the meal. It’s okay for children to ask to be excused and for the parents to linger to talk as a couple.

• Who participates in clean up?
  The more people the better, and try to avoid struggle and conflict over clean up by having clear expectations and a schedule for dishes.

Fine Tune the Evening Meal Ritual

• Is the family meal ritual working for everyone?
  Take the opportunity over dinner to discuss and get input from everyone. Perhaps you need to move the time to better accommodate schedules. Period check-ins help keep the family meal ritual meaningful for everyone.